Sports Realm

[I:http://sportsrealm.info/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/AlCase8.jpg]All right, I’ve had enough of the pretty boy weight lifting and push ups and stuff…I want an exercise that will give me the ultimate Kung Fu Chi Power! I want to be a Gung Fu Hulk! I want to rip up big, tall trees by their roots and knock over brick outhouses with my little toe, and I’m going to start doing the following calisthenics until I make it!

First, to make sure I have the best kung fu jump kicks, I’m going to do the following exercise. I’m going to dig a hole, one shovelful of dirt every day, and practice jumping into and out of the hole a thousand times every single day. By the time I’m deeper than I’m tall, I should be able to do jumping kicks that’ll knock over skyscrapers!

Okay, for body slamming that would put king kong to shame, I’ve got a real he man, kung fu drill! I’m going to live out in the country and every day I’ll lift a calf on my shoulders. By the time the calf is a thousand pounds, I’ll be able to lift anybody in the world, and throw him or her at the ground so hard they strike oil!

Of course brute force isn’t all I want, not when it comes to getting the kind of Kung Fu power ‘m thinking of, so I’ve got a gung fu training drill that will sharpen the eyes and make my fingers nimble. I’m going to sneak up on a wasps nest and practice snatching wasps out of the air with my chopsticks! Hah!

Learning how to take a punch is pretty important, too, and I’ve got the right martial arts exercise for that. I’m going to practice running into brick fences and trees and things. Three years of running full tilt through orchards with a blindfold on should build me up.

And the old noggin, how could I forget martial arts head conditioning! I saw a guy in a flick who could ring a giant bell just by slamming his head against it! Hey, if I practice smashing into bells with my head long enough, ain’t nobody gonna be able to ring my bell, if you know what I mean.

Let’s see, what’s left…oh yeah, ‘that!’ I figure a little makiwara training with ‘that’ will strengthen ‘that’ up. Of course it may look a little ugly when callouses start growing, but that’s a small price to pay, and, after all, if even ‘that’ is a weapon, I will have achieved my goals!

I will be the strongest Kung Fu warrior in the world! Every body part will be thick, immense, dense, rippling with muscle, and able to be used in combat to the death! All hail to me…the possessor of the ultimate Kung Fu Chi Power!

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